Feeling of Familiarity
Being with you again has triggered a lot of emotions. It surged through my whole system the moment I felt you beside me—inches away from me. I wanted to touch you. But I didn’t because it would be a total contradiction to what I said to you the other night—that, I didn’t love you anymore. I still do. The same way I did three years ago. I thought I didn’t but, I realized I still do. For the whole time that I declared war against you and the time it took me to accept your proposal, I was completely numb and in total denial—I even believed myself that I’ve stopped loving you.
I wanted to ask you questions the other night, being in the same bed with you felt so familiar. I felt at home. I didn’t ask you anything because I didn’t want to destroy whatever we have right now. This may be a temporal thing that we might eventually grow out of. I didn’t want to take any chances. I desperately wanted to be with you; to feel you on my skin; to hear your breathing and; and feel your warmth all over me again. I didn’t want to lose that. But instead, I just laid there, with my back towards you, crying.
When you felt uncomfortable, I was hesitant to help you and take care of you but oh God! how I wanted to. I thought that by distancing myself to you even if you’re physically inches away from me, I can stop this feeling of familiarity…this feeling of actually needing you—needing to help you and take care of you.
At this point, I feel happy with my life but I would be happier if I still have you. But uncertainty still lingers.
I like staying in my comfort zone because the lesser possibility of being hurt. With the familiarity that I feel whenever I’m with you, assures me that I’m safe. I’m home. I want you back but at the same time I don’t want you back.
I want you back because I feel empty and disoriented being without you. But, thinking about having you, hurts. At the same time that I need you, the pain of having you erupts within, drowning and overwhelming me with tears. I don’t want that anymore. But, I still want you.
The familiarity of the smell of your hair; the lines on your face; the smell of your breath; the scar on your arm; your snoring; the bump on your stomach; the way you touch me; the way you caress me; and the way you look at me. All of those and a million more I’ve been longing to have once again on the empty space on my bed…the familiarity of you.
I wanted to ask you questions the other night, being in the same bed with you felt so familiar. I felt at home. I didn’t ask you anything because I didn’t want to destroy whatever we have right now. This may be a temporal thing that we might eventually grow out of. I didn’t want to take any chances. I desperately wanted to be with you; to feel you on my skin; to hear your breathing and; and feel your warmth all over me again. I didn’t want to lose that. But instead, I just laid there, with my back towards you, crying.
When you felt uncomfortable, I was hesitant to help you and take care of you but oh God! how I wanted to. I thought that by distancing myself to you even if you’re physically inches away from me, I can stop this feeling of familiarity…this feeling of actually needing you—needing to help you and take care of you.
At this point, I feel happy with my life but I would be happier if I still have you. But uncertainty still lingers.
I like staying in my comfort zone because the lesser possibility of being hurt. With the familiarity that I feel whenever I’m with you, assures me that I’m safe. I’m home. I want you back but at the same time I don’t want you back.
I want you back because I feel empty and disoriented being without you. But, thinking about having you, hurts. At the same time that I need you, the pain of having you erupts within, drowning and overwhelming me with tears. I don’t want that anymore. But, I still want you.
The familiarity of the smell of your hair; the lines on your face; the smell of your breath; the scar on your arm; your snoring; the bump on your stomach; the way you touch me; the way you caress me; and the way you look at me. All of those and a million more I’ve been longing to have once again on the empty space on my bed…the familiarity of you.
posted by Biankeeta at 1:12 PM
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